Douchebaggery is nothing new to the world. The origin of douchebags dates to somewhere around the Middle Ages. Why, just think of that one homo prince in “Braveheart”. Total douchebag. And that was, like, the fifth century or something. So douches have been around these parts for a while.
The modern douchebag archetype really took hold sometime in the late 60’s/early 70’s. It was during this time that the douchebag became an urban phenomenon, best personified by acclaimed director and total pussy Woody Allen, seen here:
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Guhhhh, what a douche. Anyway, this more cosmopolitan douchebag – which manages to combine whiny insecurity with an almost sociopathic self-centeredness – was the standard bearer well through the Great Asshole Spike of the 1980’s. But this douchebag was relatively harmless, easily suppressed by Assholes and Badasses alike. Certainly nothing to worry about. I myself fit into this more traditional douchebag mold. I’ve come to grips with my own douchey tendencies, and I spend every day trying to control them the best I can. It isn’t easy, but it’s all I can do.
As we progressed into the 90’s, a new kind of douchebag emerged. This MegaDouche, if you will, was cockier than its forebearer. And dumber. Here’s a visual:
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Yes, they can reproduce. Ugh. It was around this time that this Aggressive Douchebag population began to explode. And now, we’re faced with a crisis unlike any other in recent American history. These nuveau douches must be destroyed or, at the very least, barred from ever entering a recording studio. But there is hope. A movement against these douchebags has sprung up organically, as a common cause of all rational Americans. Hot Chicks With Douchebags is doing their part. And the immediate backlash against the Duke lacrosse team for rape allegations, despite flimsy evidence, is proof that people want douchebags to be made an example of. Here’s what you need to know to protect yourself:
Douchebag FAQ
Q: Hey, what’s a douchebag?
A: Douchebags are men who are unknowingly inconsiderate, self-serving, obnoxious, and overall, ANNOYING.
Q: That’s a boring definition. Spruce it up.
A: Douchebags snd txt mssgs. Douchebags laugh at their own jokes. Douchebags will repeat a joke they made that you didn’t laugh at because they think you didn’t hear them. Douchebags tell you "this is the best part" 50 times when you watch a movie. Douchebags spend more time bitching about how much work they have to do as opposed to actually doing any work. Douchebags are, simply put, douchebags.
Q: Are you a douchebag?
A: Again, no. I have made the transition to full-on Badass.
Q: Can women be douchebags?
A: No. Women who exhibit douchebaggy behavior are called Shitheads.
Q: How big is that list?
A: Holy friggin’ crap, it’s huge. That list starts with any woman who owns a cat and goes on and on after that.
Q: What if I own a cat?
A: Any single man who owns a cat is either the biggest douchebag in recorded history or a serial killer.
Q: Name a famous Shithead.
A: Drew Barrymore. Watch any interview with her and your eyes will glaze over, as if baked in a kiln.
Q: Can a woman be a Shithead and a Bitch?
A: Yes, because of the menstrual cycle.
Q: Are gay men who act like douchebags also called Shitheads?
A: NO. Oddly enough, a gay man can be a douchebag, but not an asshole.
Q: Give me the classic example of a traditional douchebag.
A: That’s easy. Kevin Arnold from "The Wonder Years." Kevin bitches all the time to himself about how much he wants to tell Winnie Cooper that he loves her, then never has the balls to just say it. Jesus Christ, you fucking pussy, strap it on and be a fuckin’ man!
Q: What about an Aggressive Douchebag?
A: Watch any old footage from Woodstock ’99 and you’ll get a sense of what makes the MegaDouche tick. Or watch MTV. There are so many douchebags on MTV, you can practically taste the vinegar coming out of the screen.
Q: Can douchebags reform?
A: Much harder for a douchebag to reform than an asshole. Don’t know why. Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Q: Are douchebags good for the world?
A: Not really. Assholes, terrible as they can be, are almost always productive. Douchebags tend to dither about and generally act like total dipshits. And anything a douchebag accomplishes is generally not done as a byproduct of their douchebaggery. The world would be better off without them.
Q: Hey, why is Ozzy a douchebag? Ozzy fuckin rules!
A: But he almost killed his wife in a drugged-out stupor a few years ago, then didn’t remember anything afterward. Much as I love the guy, he’s a douchebag.
Q: Are most Jewish people douchebags?
A: No, you racist asshole.
Q: Who’s the world’s biggest douchebag?
A: That one’s a toughie. Because douchebags don’t vary to the degree that assholes do, it’s hard to pick one that stands out. For traditional douchebags, I’d probably have to go with Ross from "Friends." Just an amazing douchebag all around. How do you mess it up with a piece of ass like Jennifer Aniston? Or is it Eddie Furlong in "Terminator 2"? God, he was a little piece of shit. “No, Terminator! Don’t kill people!” Hey kid, fuck you. I paid $10 specifically to watch the Terminator terminate some motherfuckers. Let him do his thing. Or what about Eddie Furlong in real life? See how hard this is?
For the newer MegaDouches, the easy answer is Kevin Federline. Arrogant. Brain dead. Absolutely no internal sense of self-criticism, despite the fact that the entire world reviles him. It’s hard not to think of Kevin as the quintessential Renaissance Douche.
Q: Who’s to blame for this douchebag epidemic?
A: Bad parents. Period. Did you name your kid Braden, or Landon, or Jordan, or Tristan, or Carson, or Ashton, or any other disgustingly preppy name? Then YOU are responsible for starting your kid on the path to douchebaggery. Do you give them everything they want? Well, fucking don’t. God forbid they learn to develop a fucking work ethic. Do you let them wear anything they want? Eat anything they want? Do you do everything in your power to get your kids to like you because your Daddy was cold and aloof? Bad move. Your Daddy had the right idea. You had to bust your ass for his approval. That’s smart parenting. This whole “I Want To Be Close To My Kids” thing is total horseshit.
Q: Who’s the most surprising Douchebag?
A: Probably Tiny Tim of "A Christmas Carol." Yes, the kid’s poor and crippled. But that doesn’t excuse that dipshit "God bless us, everyone" line I gotta hear every Christmas.
Q: Jesus of Nazareth: Asshole, Badass or Douchebag?
A: You turn water into wine, my friend, and you are a fucking Badass.
The most important thing right now is for everyone to recognize the douchebag problem. You won’t be seeing this on the cover of Time or Newsweek (even though you ought to). Word must be spread at the grass roots level. As soon as everyone acknowledges the problem, we can go about figuring out the best way to solve it. This newer douchebag model is virtually impervious to ridicule, so we have to be creative. In the meantime, I’ll publish a comprehensive douchebag list later in the week to get the ball rolling.
The modern douchebag archetype really took hold sometime in the late 60’s/early 70’s. It was during this time that the douchebag became an urban phenomenon, best personified by acclaimed director and total pussy Woody Allen, seen here:
Guhhhh, what a douche. Anyway, this more cosmopolitan douchebag – which manages to combine whiny insecurity with an almost sociopathic self-centeredness – was the standard bearer well through the Great Asshole Spike of the 1980’s. But this douchebag was relatively harmless, easily suppressed by Assholes and Badasses alike. Certainly nothing to worry about. I myself fit into this more traditional douchebag mold. I’ve come to grips with my own douchey tendencies, and I spend every day trying to control them the best I can. It isn’t easy, but it’s all I can do.
As we progressed into the 90’s, a new kind of douchebag emerged. This MegaDouche, if you will, was cockier than its forebearer. And dumber. Here’s a visual:
Yes, they can reproduce. Ugh. It was around this time that this Aggressive Douchebag population began to explode. And now, we’re faced with a crisis unlike any other in recent American history. These nuveau douches must be destroyed or, at the very least, barred from ever entering a recording studio. But there is hope. A movement against these douchebags has sprung up organically, as a common cause of all rational Americans. Hot Chicks With Douchebags is doing their part. And the immediate backlash against the Duke lacrosse team for rape allegations, despite flimsy evidence, is proof that people want douchebags to be made an example of. Here’s what you need to know to protect yourself:
Douchebag FAQ
Q: Hey, what’s a douchebag?
A: Douchebags are men who are unknowingly inconsiderate, self-serving, obnoxious, and overall, ANNOYING.
Q: That’s a boring definition. Spruce it up.
A: Douchebags snd txt mssgs. Douchebags laugh at their own jokes. Douchebags will repeat a joke they made that you didn’t laugh at because they think you didn’t hear them. Douchebags tell you "this is the best part" 50 times when you watch a movie. Douchebags spend more time bitching about how much work they have to do as opposed to actually doing any work. Douchebags are, simply put, douchebags.
Q: Are you a douchebag?
A: Again, no. I have made the transition to full-on Badass.
Q: Can women be douchebags?
A: No. Women who exhibit douchebaggy behavior are called Shitheads.
Q: How big is that list?
A: Holy friggin’ crap, it’s huge. That list starts with any woman who owns a cat and goes on and on after that.
Q: What if I own a cat?
A: Any single man who owns a cat is either the biggest douchebag in recorded history or a serial killer.
Q: Name a famous Shithead.
A: Drew Barrymore. Watch any interview with her and your eyes will glaze over, as if baked in a kiln.
Q: Can a woman be a Shithead and a Bitch?
A: Yes, because of the menstrual cycle.
Q: Are gay men who act like douchebags also called Shitheads?
A: NO. Oddly enough, a gay man can be a douchebag, but not an asshole.
Q: Give me the classic example of a traditional douchebag.
A: That’s easy. Kevin Arnold from "The Wonder Years." Kevin bitches all the time to himself about how much he wants to tell Winnie Cooper that he loves her, then never has the balls to just say it. Jesus Christ, you fucking pussy, strap it on and be a fuckin’ man!
Q: What about an Aggressive Douchebag?
A: Watch any old footage from Woodstock ’99 and you’ll get a sense of what makes the MegaDouche tick. Or watch MTV. There are so many douchebags on MTV, you can practically taste the vinegar coming out of the screen.
Q: Can douchebags reform?
A: Much harder for a douchebag to reform than an asshole. Don’t know why. Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Q: Are douchebags good for the world?
A: Not really. Assholes, terrible as they can be, are almost always productive. Douchebags tend to dither about and generally act like total dipshits. And anything a douchebag accomplishes is generally not done as a byproduct of their douchebaggery. The world would be better off without them.
Q: Hey, why is Ozzy a douchebag? Ozzy fuckin rules!
A: But he almost killed his wife in a drugged-out stupor a few years ago, then didn’t remember anything afterward. Much as I love the guy, he’s a douchebag.
Q: Are most Jewish people douchebags?
A: No, you racist asshole.
Q: Who’s the world’s biggest douchebag?
A: That one’s a toughie. Because douchebags don’t vary to the degree that assholes do, it’s hard to pick one that stands out. For traditional douchebags, I’d probably have to go with Ross from "Friends." Just an amazing douchebag all around. How do you mess it up with a piece of ass like Jennifer Aniston? Or is it Eddie Furlong in "Terminator 2"? God, he was a little piece of shit. “No, Terminator! Don’t kill people!” Hey kid, fuck you. I paid $10 specifically to watch the Terminator terminate some motherfuckers. Let him do his thing. Or what about Eddie Furlong in real life? See how hard this is?
For the newer MegaDouches, the easy answer is Kevin Federline. Arrogant. Brain dead. Absolutely no internal sense of self-criticism, despite the fact that the entire world reviles him. It’s hard not to think of Kevin as the quintessential Renaissance Douche.
Q: Who’s to blame for this douchebag epidemic?
A: Bad parents. Period. Did you name your kid Braden, or Landon, or Jordan, or Tristan, or Carson, or Ashton, or any other disgustingly preppy name? Then YOU are responsible for starting your kid on the path to douchebaggery. Do you give them everything they want? Well, fucking don’t. God forbid they learn to develop a fucking work ethic. Do you let them wear anything they want? Eat anything they want? Do you do everything in your power to get your kids to like you because your Daddy was cold and aloof? Bad move. Your Daddy had the right idea. You had to bust your ass for his approval. That’s smart parenting. This whole “I Want To Be Close To My Kids” thing is total horseshit.
Q: Who’s the most surprising Douchebag?
A: Probably Tiny Tim of "A Christmas Carol." Yes, the kid’s poor and crippled. But that doesn’t excuse that dipshit "God bless us, everyone" line I gotta hear every Christmas.
Q: Jesus of Nazareth: Asshole, Badass or Douchebag?
A: You turn water into wine, my friend, and you are a fucking Badass.
The most important thing right now is for everyone to recognize the douchebag problem. You won’t be seeing this on the cover of Time or Newsweek (even though you ought to). Word must be spread at the grass roots level. As soon as everyone acknowledges the problem, we can go about figuring out the best way to solve it. This newer douchebag model is virtually impervious to ridicule, so we have to be creative. In the meantime, I’ll publish a comprehensive douchebag list later in the week to get the ball rolling.
