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Day 4 Alone With The Baby – The Girl’s Turn to Bitch
Enough from me. Time to turn today’s proceedings over to the Girl.8:02AM – It’s him again. I think I’m gonna cry.8:05AM – Is he trying to grow a beard? That’s so lame.8:15AM – Hey Asshole, when you’re...
View ArticleI Am A Better Father Than You
I never set out to be a hero. Like, say, John McCain, or Christ, I had greatness thrust upon me. Barring an unforeseen mailtruck accident this afternoon, here are the facts from my stint as a single...
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Cats: A Reasonable Case for Planned Genocide
I fucking hate cats. In fact, if you were to list the things I hate most, in order, here’s where cats would rank:1. Mayonnaise2. Cats3. Katie Couric4. HitlerI know what you’re thinking, and you’re...
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FKS Field Trip – The Smithsonian National Zoo (Featuring Monkeys And Shit)
Hey, it’s Memorial Day weekend. It’s over 90 degrees in the greater DC area. Let’s go to the zoo, which combines the crowding of amusement parks with the odors of a livestock rodeo! Fuck yeah! Joining...
View ArticleIncidents in the Life of a Slave Boy
The other day I told Mrs. Drew I was going upstairs to take a shower. Here was her response:“You can’t take a shower, because all the towels are in the washer. Actually, will you go downstairs, put the...
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Is There An Abbreviation For Dipshit?
Do you have a sticker like this somewhere on your car? Then do me a favor. Get in your car. Find a river. And then, fast as you can, drive into that river. Be sure your seat belt is fastened, your...
View ArticleConfessions Of An Old Navy Whore
My entire wardrobe is from Old Navy. My shirts. My shorts. My entire set of surfing-themed cock rings. All Old Navy. I must have over 200 items from Old Navy in my closet. Total cost? Probably about...
View ArticleThe FKS Guide To Dating Other Heterosexual Men
I date other men. It wasn’t always supposed to be this way. My ambition at 22 was to live in Manhattan for a few years, then head out to LA, produce movies, live in a house on stilts, snort only the...
View ArticleA Father’s Day Fit For A Fucking Badass
Guess what day Sunday is? You see that calendar? You see what it says? That’s right, sluts. Motherfucking Father’s Day. This day used to be for all the other douchebags that had kids. Well, now it’s my...
View ArticleThe FKS Guide to a Semi-Badass Father’s Day
Mrs. Drew deemed my original plan for Father’s Day to be completely unrealistic, especially the part where we have sex more than once. Fair enough. Maybe I was asking for too much. But my Father’s Day...
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The FKS Children’s Book Review – "Hey, Diddle, Diddle!"
Before Mrs. Drew had the Girl, we spent one Saturday night hanging around at Barnes & Noble looking at children’s books. I have many tests to determine whether or not my life is truly over, and...
View ArticleThe Proper Number of Kids for Optimum Awesomeness
Here’s a question I get a lot:“So, how many kids do you think you want to have?”Why do you care? Do you find the number of people like me on Earth alarmingly deficient? Do you want to see how many kids...
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FKS Field Trip: Tha Muthaphuckkin’ Beach, Part I
There were two things I forgot to bring up with regards to the best number of kids to have. First thing: if you have a shitload of kids, you increase your odds of having one who’s a real superstar....
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FKS Field Trip: Tha Muthaphuckkin’ Beach, Part II
Well, we’ve taken the Girl to the beach and gotten sand in each of her orifices. Maybe we can use her to sand down the house molding later on. I forgot my camera this trip, so all photographic...
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The Playboy Channel Story
My buddy Jeremy (not his real name) has a cousin named Gary. Back in ’99, Gary worked in sales for the Playboy Channel. More importantly, Gary somehow convinced Playboy executives to give him his own...
View ArticleChildren With Penises Are Overrated
The other day the family and I packed up the car and headed over to Marshall’s. Marshall’s – It’s just like a department store, except that you’re poor! Anyway, we go into the store and I start looking...
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Five Things That Will Scare The Living Shit Out Of Your Kids
Anyone can beat their children. That’s easy. Just ball up a fist and send them flying. But if you want to inflict true psychological scars on your offspring, well you need to be a bit more ambitious...
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Grading the Celebrity Children
In case you haven’t noticed, it’s fucking hot outside. I saw a weather map yesterday and the entire country was red. And not that pussyass cherry red that means it’s only 80. I’m talking the deep...
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FKS Field Guide – Assholes and Badasses
I got a note from Yahoo saying my old site dedicated to Assholes, Douchebags, and Badasses was about to be erased. So this week and next, I’ll be updating you on the modern definitions of all three...
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The Asshole List
This is only a relative sampling of the general Asshole population. There are certainly people here who I have missed or omitted for the sake of comedy. Feel free to add your own in the comments. But...
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Confronting the Growing Douchebag Problem
Douchebaggery is nothing new to the world. The origin of douchebags dates to somewhere around the Middle Ages. Why, just think of that one homo prince in “Braveheart”. Total douchebag. And that was,...
View ArticleMidnight Questions And The Evil That Men Do
I do not get to sleep easily. In order to fall asleep, I have to do a few things. First off, I must have an orgasm in some way, shape or form. No problem. I can take care of that in two minutes flat....
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The Douchebag List
Before I delve into this, it’s important to note that the Aggressive Douchebag of the modern era also goes by the name of poseur. If you see any guy sporting the following:-Popped collar-Frosted or...
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My Child Will Have Bad Taste In Music
Kurt Cobain killed rock and roll. He was a master songwriter and his band kicked a lot of fucking ass, but he still killed rock and roll. You see, Kurt Cobain made it okay for rock stars to be...
View ArticleFKS’ Greatest Hits (Updated)
This is FKS. My name’s Drew. I have a child that eats, cries, sleeps, and shits, in no particular order. I don't update FKS anymore. I post twice a week or so over at NFL site Kissing Suzy Kolber. If...
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